PSYCHOLOGY
The Concept of Mind-Reading in Relationships
The notion of mind-reading is often associated with psychic abilities and crystal balls.
What you may not be aware of is that it can be an effective alternative to stonewalling.
Sometimes, women find things too painful to talk about and end up turning their emotions inwards. You want to help, but you’re just clueless about what to do.
As the weeks go by, it gets harder for you to reach out to them. At the same time, those negative emotions they’ve dealt with alone build up like a bomb ready to explode at any minute.
Recall a time when you were sorting out clothes together with your partner. You were both laughing as you looked back on your first date. The next thing you know, they start ranting about how careless you are in certain situations, which, for you, is unintentional.
Because of this, you feel nitpicked. Instead of seeing their helpful insights as a sign of concern, you see them as controlling. The unforeseen discord leads each of you to blow off steam until things subside.
These kinds of misunderstandings normally happen in relationships, but whether big or small, they can easily be avoided.
What if you knew that they’re only trying to make you do simple things more efficiently? Or that they want to save you time, thus pointing it out to you?
Empathic Accuracy
According to Céline Hinnekens, Ph.D. from the Department of Experimental Clinical and Health Psychology at the University of Ghent, and her colleagues (2020), research has shown that most partners aren’t effective at inferring each other’s thoughts and feelings.
The ability to read a partner’s mind, or what is also called Empathic Accuracy, averages only about 30 to 35% for married couples alone.
Statistics aside, this tells us that your chances of wrongly reading your partner’s mind go as high as 65 to 80%, or so the authors claim.
Ways to Read Your Partner’s Mind
Most of you don’t notice it, but you and your partner (from past relationships or your present one) have tried reading each other’s minds several times.
Perhaps you followed through with their nonverbal cues or habitual behavior and responses to do what you thought needed to be done.
Then again, always keep in mind that mind-reading brings an impact, both positive and negative, to relationships.
Below are a few ways you can read your partner’s mind:
1. Have a clear focus.
This is a great way to try to know what’s on their mind. Try to observe how they analyze their thoughts, feelings, emotions, way of communicating, and so on. You will start to notice patterns in their mood, attitude, and behavior. As a result, you deduce certain factors and come up with possible outcomes and scenarios.
Take note that nonverbal communication helps you focus. You can do this by engaging in eye contact with your partner whenever you are communicating with each other. Doing it the right way should be your goal in order to prevent them from feeling uncomfortable.
At the same time, enhance your emotional intelligence by being keen on the changes that you see in them.
2. Keep an open mind.
It’s impossible to read your partner’s thoughts if you don’t have an open mind.
But what if you just can’t seem to have one?
The first thing you should do is clear your mind. Don’t be agitated. Rather, be calm and relaxed. That way, you’ll find it easier to recognize what they’re thinking, and you’ll know when something is wrong.
This also helps you to stop being judgmental. Don’t invalidate how they think and feel because it will only make them think that you’re not willing to listen.
3. Go beyond your limits.
Once you’ve seen through them, it’s time to talk about it.
Ask and engage in a discussion with them. Whether it’s pleasant or not, reach out to them. You will be causing each other more harm in the long run if you let things be.
Who knows, perhaps your partner is willing to open up to you but isn’t sure how, so either way, bringing it up will be beneficial to both of you.
It’s Good When…
1. You practice teamwork.
Goals are achieved when there’s teamwork. It helps in avoiding conflict and makes resolving issues a lot less complicated. Reading each other’s minds is a way to counter small problems before they become big disagreements.
For instance, you decided that riding a hot air balloon is how you want to celebrate your anniversary. With empathic accuracy, you won’t have a problem understanding why the other has to work late for a few weeks.
2. You attend to their needs.
Bad behavior is inevitable. When you detect what they’ve been thinking, you put their bad behavior into perspective and try to understand why they reacted that way, allowing you to effectively deal with the problem at hand.
It’s Bad When…
1. You’re facing irreconcilable differences.
Sometimes, you and your partner just seem to click. But later on, you realize that you don’t. It isn’t helpful to read their mind when you’re troubled about your differences but still want to stay together.
When you do this, you might accurately perceive what’s going on in their heads as different from what you’re thinking, which later on results in emotional turmoil.
2. You learn the hard truths about them.
A common example for this would be where you’re in a happy and stable relationship with them, and all of a sudden, you learn that they love you a lot less compared to how you love them.
3. You use it as a way to manipulate them.
Knowing so much about them, even the things that are constantly on their minds, can be a way for you to control and manipulate them.
Reading their thoughts for the sole purpose of being a dominant partner is toxic and unhealthy. Empathic accuracy isn’t for that intention.
4. You’re disrespecting their privacy.
It’s a sign of love when you just seem to know everything about them. However, demanding to know everything there is to know can be an intrusion of privacy.
The Power of the Mind and Heart
They say that the mind decides what the heart says. But other times, we tend to make decisions despite feeling indifferent about it.
It could be for your own sake or for others.
Regardless, making the most out of the ability to think and feel can sometimes be overwhelming.
Our thoughts and feelings may clash most of the time, but when managed together, it could bring some of the best decisions we never thought we could make.
At the end of the day, knowing what works best for you and your relationship is what matters. What’s fine with you may not be for some, and what’s helpful for them might not be the same for you.
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