REALITIES
A Look into Marriage in the Eyes of a Chinese Woman
“I married John first before falling in love with him,” Huang Li Ya admitted. Or, as she now prefers, Lia Gilham.
Lia has been married to John Gilham for almost a decade now, and she has never been happier.
“Growing up in China, I used to believe that marriage is not about happiness or love but for my parents, society, and future generations,” Lia continued.
What she said may seem unacceptable to most societies, but it is, without a doubt, a common practice in China. Even the New Marriage Law (1950), which prohibits arranged marriages and men from having multiple wives (i.e., concubines), has not discouraged Chinese parents from “matching doors and windows.”
Chinese parents have played matchmaker for their children for thousands of years, hoping to improve their socioeconomic standings in their society. Sadly, their children have never had any input into whom they would spend their life with — Chinese tradition deemed them immoral and rebellious if they put their wishes above the interests of their parents.
Like Lia said, getting hitched first before falling in love is an inevitable reality for most Chinese women, and they accept that as if that is how the world works.
“At first, it was more than just mutual attraction that brought John and me together seven years ago. Like many couples in China today, we were recommended to each other by family and friends,” Lia added, “As a Chinese woman, I already understood that I was going to tie the knot with John for practicality rather than for pure love.”
The New Marriage Law (1950) played a significant role in empowering Chinese women and addressing gender inequality in China; that is, it provided them with the choice to divorce their husbands, and it bridged the gap between Chinese men and women in terms of their average literacy rate and minimum wage threshold.
Nonetheless, Chinese women continue to face pressure to marry men with the same or higher socioeconomic status as them — marrying down (and out of love) is often frowned upon by their society even if they could provide for their families just as much as their husbands.
“As I got to know John better, I realized how gentle he was to me. Unlike most guys back in Fujian, he really cared about me. So I thought, ‘Here is a good man whom I initially married in an attempt to expand my restaurant into England. I am a capable woman who owned a company in the food industry way before John came into the picture. So why should I settle for reasons as trivial as money and survival?’ Then, I realized that I had fallen in love.”
Unlike in the past, young Chinese women do not need to look for a guy who can provide financial security. In fact, they have become increasingly picky in choosing their husbands that they prefer to remain unmarried than to settle for less, which is a very different mindset from how young Chinese women used to be a century ago.
However, as I have previously mentioned, their parents still play a decisive role, albeit less influential, in choosing their husbands. For instance, hundreds of parents are willing to take matters into their own hands by gathering in what is now famously dubbed the “marriage corner” or the “marriage market” in People’s Park, Shanghai, where they hope to find an ideal match for their children by showcasing the personal information and achievements of their children.
“I think,” Lia paused, “Whether it is with John or some other Chinese guy, my life would not be happy in the eyes of my parents if I had not gotten married.”
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