DATING ADVICE
Red Flags in a Partner You Should Avoid
Being part of a healthy romantic relationship can contribute to our mental health. But when we date someone new, everything looks normal through rose-colored glasses.
Eventually, the spark fades. The glasses fall off and we finally see the person we’re dealing with.
How the heck didn’t I notice this sooner?
We are hit with a strong compulsion to take a step back and end up regretting our decisions. Just like the strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, at first we feel great when our partner comes off as charming, with a few strange quirks, then we become horrified at discovering the real truth.
There might have been signs, but we chose to ignore them. And now, we might be stuck in a relationship that’s not good for us.
Next time, don’t ignore the warning signs your gut is telling you. It could be your intuition telling you something’s wrong with your relationship.
Or it could be telling you to look into it before it turns into a serious problem. As psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, M.S., Ph.D. puts it, “A red flag is like putting a mental pin in a behavior you want to keep an eye on.”
Here are a few red flags you need to watch out for:
Excessive jealousy
It’s normal to feel jealous while in a relationship, but intense and irrational jealousy is a different story.
People with unhealthy amounts of jealousy typically feel overwhelmed by their emotions and insecurities. They start to control their partner’s actions and resort to underhanded methods.
Irrational jealous actions are typically characterized by intense feelings of paranoia, making unreal accusations, preventing their partner from seeing family and friends, non-stop texts, and even going through their phone without permission.
The root cause could be their fear of abandonment and deep paranoia of being unloved. Fortunately, this issue can be resolved as long as the person is determined to work over their behavior and irrational paranoia.
Emotionally immature
Someone who is emotionally immature can be tough to deal with in relationships. They are unable to communicate effectively and often appear selfish or emotionally distant. It reflects the person’s lack of awareness and understanding about their own emotions.
When you try broaching the subject about your future together, they might switch the subject. And if you push them further, they end up making jokes about it. This leaves you frustrated since they’re not taking the issue seriously.
If you feel your partner isn’t emotionally mature enough to listen to you and treat you with respect, then maybe this is a good sign to leave the relationship early.
With no possibility of an emotional connection, you’re better off finding someone else who can listen to you and vocalize your needs and desires about your future relationship goals.
Constant criticism
Being constantly undermined by your partner is not a good way to build a relationship. Imagine accomplishing something you’ve been working on for several months. You’re proud of your achievements and tell your partner how you feel.
Instead of watching them smile and offer their congratulations, they frown at you looking unimpressed. “That’s not a big deal. You should have done so and so instead.”
Even worse, they proceed to scrutinize your behavior over the past few months. You suddenly feel bad and your self-esteem takes a hit. The confidence you’ve managed to build up instantly crumbles.
You start to think:
They’re not satisfied with me.
I have to try harder.
On one hand, it’s a good thing to be honest with your partner, but when they constantly undermine your achievements and even compete with you, then it might be a sign they don’t respect you.
People have their own flaws and it’s part of the charm in a relationship.
If you feel bad or if your confidence takes a nose dive when you’re around them, then the best course of action is to remove yourself from the relationship before it gets serious.
Avoidant behaviors
Walking away from an argument and ignoring you when the relationship gets rough is a red flag. This is because some people may have been raised with insufficient emotional or behavioral skills to cope with problems.
Their defense mechanism is to immediately run away from whatever is causing the problem and then come back and act like everything is normal. They may also lash out when backed into a corner. Over a long period of time, this behavior can harm the relationship.
It’s normal for healthy relationships to go through a rough patch. So it’s crucial to find a partner who practices proper communication and can stay grounded when the situation calls for it.
Lack of trust
In order for relationships to survive, trust is essential. It’s a form of healthy respect. If you suspect signs of unfaithfulness, you need to approach the situation maturely. Don’t jump to conclusions and instead, try to communicate.
Some partners may have a constant need to always know where their partner is at all times. They may even go as far as installing a tracking app on their partner’s phone.
While the morality of that is a bit gray, using it to control someone is beyond the bounds of a healthy relationship.
The lack of trust can kill any relationship. Not only would your partner feel unsafe around you, but they might also feel insulted by the lack of trust.
The bottom line
If you spot any of these red flags from your partner but still want to work things out, then we suggest seeking out a couples counseling service.
Understanding your partner is part of being in a romantic relationship. But it’s also important to understand what your relationship deal breakers are.
You should never feel obligated to stay in a relationship that is going nowhere or stay because of guilt. This is a recipe for an unhealthy and toxic relationship.
According to psychotherapist and relationship expert Ken Page, LCSW, when you’re in a relationship with someone, ask yourself through various periods of time, “Do I feel safe around this person?” If the answer is not an essential yes, then the relationship may not be what you’re looking for.
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