Relationship Advice: 4 Lessons for My 23-Year-Old Self

The funny thing about life is that we all tend to look back and wish we were a bit smarter and wiser when we were younger.

The question “What advice would you give to your 15-year-old self?” and all variations of it have been asked countless times across all generations of humanity.

The reason for this is simple: hindsight is 20/20. Experience, being the best teacher, has given us true wisdom over our years. If only we could turn back time with those golden bits of information.

What would you tell your younger self if you could? Buy thousands of bitcoin for pennies? Purchase a section of raw land? Don’t get on that bus? Take those dance lessons a bit more seriously? These are certainly fascinating propositions.

But lessons are served to us in all aspects of life. In this article, we shall focus on relationships. Because who hasn’t made a million mistakes when it comes to matters of the heart?

And why 23, you may ask? I’m not quite sure. It seemed like a nice round number, an age where I was sentient enough to grasp my adulthood, yet when in comparison to today, I was an absolute child. I guess for me, this was around the time I truly entered the “real world,” and I was edgy enough to think I could conquer it.

Disclaimer: these are lessons I learned collectively through my own experience and from the experiences of others. The examples I am about to give do not necessarily reflect what I personally went through.

1. Having children too early is not the end of the world.

I recall a girl getting pregnant back in high school. I can only imagine the ordeal she went through as if her whole future crumbled right before her eyes. It may have been a crisis back then. It may have turned out to be a blessing now.

Many married women suffer from infertility — women who have dreamed since they were little of having children of their own. Couples unable to conceive go to great lengths for a solution — adoption, surgery, in vitro fertilization, etc. It isn’t just a heartbreaking and stressful experience, it is extremely expensive as well.

In hindsight, many of these couples look back and wonder where they could have gone wrong. Was it that they waited too long to try to conceive? Was it that they got married too late? It truly is a difficult thing to deal with. Perhaps, at the back of their heads, they would have preferred to trade places with those who got pregnant too early.

Children are a blessing, no matter when they come. Persevere and you will be happy.

2. Don’t settle.

Have standards. Don’t just be with a guy who can make you 80% happy. Be with someone who has values — hard work, love, forgiveness, honesty. At 23, everyone is good-looking, fit, and cool. But that all goes away very fast. You can’t rely on them. What you can rely on our values because they are your weapons in marriage.

Also, have a timeline. If you don’t marry your boyfriend after 8 years, then you need to find someone else ASAP. Don’t get too comfortable. If he hasn’t proposed then, he probably never will.

Don’t be afraid to impose your standards. If your partner has standards as well, he will understand, because he knows how important they are.

Make a list of things you want in a partner, like so:

My future partner should:

1. Want children.
2. Be honest.
3. Be a hard worker.

Your list can be long or short. But what matters is that it is realistic and substantial.

3. Start looking for your own place to live now.

You may not have a lot of money right now, but if you are working, do your best to invest. When you get married, the first thing you and your husband will be thinking about is where to live.

Sure, you’ll miss your parents, but you will realize sooner or later that you can’t be living under your parents’ roof as a married couple forever.

You need to make your own decisions. You cannot do that and be comfortable if you are not staying at your own place. Having your own home ensures that you are always in control.

So move out the soonest you can. It may be difficult at first, but it will be one of the best decisions you can make.

4. Get out of your comfort zone, but always have a plan.

If you ever want to find the love of your life, you can’t stick to couch-potato on weekends. You need to go out and meet people, preferably in a variety of settings. Stay home, stay single. That’s what I say.

You have your standards, correct? So what’s there to worry about then? Join community services, help out in a charity, or go to a gym. You can even date online. You have time to make mistakes. In fact, it’s the mistakes that are going to make you grow.

But no matter what you do, have an endgame in mind. If you want to be married, make sure that’s a clear goal. Because no matter how far off you stray from your plan, you will somehow make your way back.

Go travel the country, or the world for that matter, and meet new people. The world is too big to limit your dating choices. And take your values and standards with you.

And forget about looking for husband-material at nightclubs. That almost never works out.

P.S. 23-Year-Old Me

There could be a bazillion things I could change about you, but I’d rather not. Because without all the struggles and painful experiences, I would never have gained the wisdom and happiness I have now. So may it be a lesson for the younger ones then.

When the time comes for you to marry, you can either be certain or not at all. Certainty of the heart is readiness. You may never be rich enough for your dream wedding, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t ready for married life.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, and you’ll turn out just fine. Like our dear friend Bruce Lee once said, “Be water, my friend.”

If you enjoyed this content, check out our other blogs on dating, relationships, and dating in Asia by visiting our blog page at asianlovemates.com.